From: Tick Rehab Lab
Re: Fwd.: Ticks_Among_Us.Com
Date: Wed, Jan 24, 2001
To: Poor Unfortunate Southern Suffering Victim
Dear Sufferer -- aka firstname.lastname@example.org
Let us begin with these words:
Thank you for your recent letter about the tick bites you have received. We have all dealt with bloodsuckers. We feel your pain! We hope your trip to the woods was worth all this pain and suffering. Tell us more when you join us.
After reading and researching Bubba's and Dubya's Incomplete Texts of Tick Picking and Other Interesting Retirement Hobbies, We find that you may have been bitten by the Carpetbagger Tick (rugerous orthouglus tickedoft). This particular nasty little critter came in on opportunist pests immediately following the Civil War. They have since prospered after that era with no effective means of local control or eradication.
We have found their infections so horrific that some folks and critters infected have opted to just cut the affected part off. We can understand your hesitance, however. You may make note that the species and the germs it brings have proliferated in numbers over time as no cure or other effective means of treatment have been found. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.
May we offer you a time share in our tick controlled facilities. The test subjects (ahem, residents) there seem to enjoy the facilties and the many chickens and ducks that are in residence there. Sign the enclosed application form and we will have you on your way. Oh, and don't forget to fill-out the histoplasmosis survey that is attached.
May your day soon be spray can and pesticide-free. Now, did we remind you about purchasing good shoes that can wade thru duck? No matter, we will add you to our catalogues for life list. More details will be in the next batch of brochures, after you have signed and sent in your first application.
Just remember to enclose the non-refundable $14,999.00 initial fee. Be assured, no one is turned away with this pre-acceptance fee paid in full. Oh, and don't forget that personal tape we mentioned at the beginning of this letter.
Just add an additional $24.95, plus tax, plus postage, plus handling (and maybe a small tip for Dub for such a nice rendition). Or, just round that amount off to an even $20,000, as we are always able to find something to do with any additional funds.
Thank you! Have a good day!
Head Tick Picker (Bubba)
and Tick Head Picker (Dubya)
Included Page: Tick Rehab Lab Report - Babesiosis